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Just Stupid!

Short story collection, 1999 (The Just! series)

Just Stupid! is the third book in the Just! series and contains 9 short stories about Andy's stupid behaviour.

 

Is this the right book for you?

Take the STUPID TEST and find out.

1. Do you worry about getting sucked into the top of escalators?
2. Do you push doors marked PULL and pull doors marked PUSH?
3. Do you believe a bogeyman hides under the bed?
4. Do you automatically turn around when somebody calls 'Hey, Stupid!'?
5. Do you think that being able to stuff your mouth full of marshmallows is a sign of superior intelligence?

SCORE: One point for each 'yes' answer.

3-5 You are extremely stupid. You will love this book.
1-2 You are fairly stupid. You will love this book.
0 You think you're really smart but deep down you're as stupid as the rest of us. You will love this book.

 

CONTENTS

1. Busting
Andy desperately tries to find a toilet in a multi-level shopping centre but is hampered by many things and people, including an aggressive old man with a walking frame, having a shoelace caught in an escalator, a store manager who insists that Andy re-stack the cans he knocked over in his haste, toilets that are closed for cleaning, a very confusing map, a poor sense of direction and an unhelpful hippy.

2. Expel Me!
It's the first day back at school and after experiencing the freedom of the holidays Andy is not prepared to settle back into school life. He is determined to get himself expelled, but none of his calculated attempts at bad behaviour have any effect on his new teacher, Ms Livingstone, a well-travelled adventurer, who is not easily shocked or annoyed.

3. Bogeyboy
It's late at night and Andy is hiding under his sister Jen's bed. His plan is to reach out and grab Jen's ankle to scare her, but she doesn't come in to her room alone; she brings her boyfriend Craig (who hates Andy) with her. And they sit on the bed, squashing Andy. Then a spider starts crawling up his body…

4. Runaway Pram
Andy and his best friend, Danny, buy an old pram at the school fete. Danny is pushing Andy in the pram, but then at the top of a very steep hill he lets go and Andy finds himself stuck in a runaway pram.

5. Food Fight
While out to dinner with Andy's parents in a very fancy restaurant Andy and Danny see a famous actress they like. Attempting to give her a flower they accidentally set her hair on fire and then inadvertently start a food fight that eventually involves every diner and waiter in the restaurant.

6. Snail Aid
While walking through a park Andy accidentally steps on a snail and breaks its shell. Feeling terrible, he attempts to repair the snail's shell but this delicate operation is hampered by the actions of an angry park ranger and a mad territorial magpie.

7. Who Am I?
When Andy's home-made Jack-in-the-box goes off and hits him in the head he loses his memory and can't remember who he is or what he's like. His family take advantage of his amnesia by telling him he's a very helpful boy who's never happier than when he's helping others and thus trick him into spending the whole day doing chores for them.

8. Dum-Dum
Andy is being immature in class so his annoyed teacher sends him down to the preps grade (kindergarten, reception). Andy looks forward to spending the day cutting and pasting and colouring in, but the work turns out to be much harder than he expected and it starts to look like he might never get back up to his proper grade.

9. Chubby Bubbies
Andy is trying to impress Lisa Mackney at her birthday party by being very mature, but then Danny challenges him to a game of chubby bubbies—a contest to see who can shove the most marshmallows into their mouth—and Andy is powerless to resist.

Note: Retitled and republished in the UK in 2010 as Help! I've Swallowed A Spider And 8 Other Just Stupid Stories.

Reviews

...exaggerated, over-the-top, lunatic humour. These are fast-paced, lighthearted, lots-of-fun stories, designed to demonstrate to young readers that books and stories are involving, funny and thoroughly enjoyable. I imagine they also demonstrate that reading is a shared pleasure, as readers read out the best bits, and recommend them to their friends. I also imagine that they inspire some like writing!
Viewpoint

Another beauty.
Courier-Mail

Short, sharp, witty stories.
Pages & Pages

Highly original, hilarious and hysterically stupid tales.
The Independent Reader

Extract

Busting

I'm in the supermarket trying to remember what groceries Mum wanted me to pick up, but I can't think. I can't breathe. I can't do anything. I'm busting. And I don't mean busting, I mean BUSTING!

I've got to find a toilet. Fast. Then I can come back and think about the shopping with a clear head. Or not so much a clear head as an empty bladder.

I haven't got a second to lose. I run down the aisle and skid round the corner.

WHAM!

Straight into an old guy with a walking frame. He staggers forward and crashes into a stack of cans. They go rolling all over the floor. The old man is lying in the middle of them.

'Well, don't just stand there,' he says. 'Help me up!'

I reach down, take hold of his hand and pull him to his feet. Luckily he's not very heavy. I stand his walking frame up for him. He's muttering words I don't understand.

The store manager appears. I can tell he's the store manager because his pants are too tight. Plus he's wearing a badge that says Store Manager.

'What happened?' he says.

Before I can say anything the old man answers.

'This silly young boy knocked me over. It wouldn't have happened in my day. When I was young we respected our elders.'

'It was an accident!' I say.

'Were you running?' says the store manager.

'Yes,' I say, 'but I'm... '

'There's no excuse,' he says. 'I think you owe this gentleman an apology. Then you can pick up all the cans.'

'But I'm busting!'

'You should have thought about that before you started knocking people over and destroying my displays,' he says.

I get the feeling that I'm going to get out of here quicker if I just do what he says. I turn to the old man.

'I'm sorry,' I say. 'I shouldn't have been running and I hope you're not hurt.'

He shrugs and mutters something else that I can't understand. I start picking up the cans. I can't believe how far they've rolled. Some have rolled at least two or three aisles away. And the store manager makes me pick up every last one.

By the time I've finished I'm seriously busting.

But I know better than to run out of the store. This time I just walk very quickly.

I get outside the supermarket and into the main shopping centre. I'm looking for a sign pointing to the toilets. I can't see one.

There is a man selling pencils outside the supermarket.

'Excuse me,' he says. 'Want to buy a pencil?'

'No thanks,' I say.

'They're cheap — twenty cents each.'

'No thank you,' I say.

'Just one,' he says. 'One lousy pencil!'

'I haven't got time!' I say.

'You could have bought one by now,' he says.

'How many times do I have to say it?' I say. 'I don't want — or need — a pencil. What I need is a toilet. I'm busting!'

His shoulders drop. He sighs heavily. He looks like he's going to cry. If he's trying to make me feel bad then he's succeeding.

'Okay,' I say, fumbling for change. 'I'll have a pencil.'

I can't find a twenty-cent piece. All I can find is a two-dollar coin.

'Have you got change?' I say.

'No,' he says. 'You're the first one to buy a pencil today.'

'Keep the change then,' I say.

'No, that wouldn't be right,' he says. 'I'm not looking for charity.'

'Fine,' I say, 'give me ten pencils!'

He counts the pencils out really slowly one by one. He makes a mistake and has to start again. I'm shifting from foot to foot.

Finally he hands the pencils to me.

'Have a great day,' he says.

'I will if I don't bust,' I say.

Download the rest of the story 'Busting'
from Just Stupid!
18Mb PDF

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Copyright © 2012 | Andy Griffiths