Andy Griffiths | BOOKS | Just Annoying!

Just Annoying!

Short story collection, 1998 (The Just! series)

Just Annoying! is the second book in the Just! series, contains 9 short stories about Andy's extremely annoying behaviour.

Is this the right book for you?

Take the ANNOYING TEST and find out.

Do you ask 'Are we there yet?' over and over on long car trips?
Do you like to drive people mad by copying everything they say and do?
Do you hog the shower and use up all the hot water?
Do you enjoy asking silly questions that have no real answers?
Do you swing on the clothesline whenever you get the chance?

SCORE: One point for each 'yes' answer.

3-5 You are obviously a very annoying person. You will love this book.
1-2 You are a fairly annoying person. You will love this book.
0 You don't realise how much fun being annoying can be. You will love this book.

CONTENTS

1. Are we there yet?
Andy is so annoying on a long car trip that his parents finally follow through on their threat to stop the car and leave him by the side of the road. He is rescued by a mad motorcyclist who picks him up and sets off in pursuit of Andy's parents.

2. Copycat from Ballarat
Andy is annoying his sister, Jen, by copying everything she says and does, so when she gets dressed up and heads off to the school dance so does he. His annoying prank backfires on him, however, when Craig Bennett (the boy Jen has a crush on) develops a crush on Andy!

3. Wish you weren't here
Andy steals a neighbour's garden gnome and takes it on holidays with him. His plan is to send photos of the gnome to the neighbour as a joke, but his scheme is thwarted when he starts to suspect that the gnome is evil and is trying to kill him.

4. Imaginary friends
An imaginary friend Andy invents to get him out of having to go to the school sports day (Fred is ill and needs Andy to stay home to look after him). The plan backfires, however, because Andy's mum quickly develops an affection for Fred and starts paying far more attention to him than she does to Andy.

5. In the shower with Andy
Andy realises a long-held dream by sealing up the shower cubicle so he can fill it with water. He does the job too well, however, and soon realises he is trapped and the water is rapidly rising!

6. Would you rather?
Andy manages to annoy his whole family at the dinner table with the simple question, 'Would you rather be eaten by ants or lions?'

7. Murder, bloody murder!
Andy and Danny annoy Andy's neighbour by shouting 'Murder, bloody murder!' When he threatens to kill them if they don't shut up they decide their lives depend on calming him down, but their attempts only seem to enrage him further.

8. The last Jaffa
Andy creates havoc in a cinema during a James Bond movie by clambering about under the seats trying to retrieve a Jaffa he dropped (the last one in the packet).

9. Swinging on the clothesline
Andy's parents attempt to stop him from swinging on the clothesline by tying a large, fierce dog to it. But all Andy sees is an opportunity to harness the brute strength of the dog to propel himself even faster.

Extract

Are we there yet?

'Dad?'

'Yes?'

'Are we there yet?'

'No.'

'Now?'

'For goodness sakes!' growls Dad. 'Will you stop it!'

'All right,' I say. 'Don't get your knickers in a knot.'

'We've been in the car for two days now. Mum and Dad are at breaking point.

Don't get me wrong. I don't want them to get mad at me — it just happens.

Like it or not, when you go on a long drive there are times when you just have to stop.

And my parents do not like it.

But what's the alternative?

Do they want me to starve to death? To wet my pants? To be sick all over the back seat?

I think any of these would be a lot more annoying and inconvenient than the few stops it takes to prevent them. I'm actually doing them a favour. Mum and Dad should save their energy for really annoying things. Like the fly that has been buzzing around in the car for the last half hour. It's driving me mental. I'm going to do us all a big favour. I'm going to get rid of it.

I wind the window down. The fly jumps away.

It's hiding, just waiting for me to wind the window back up again.

I have to lure it out.

I start doing my best fly-call.

'Bzzzz! Bzzzzzzz! Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz!'

Still no fly. Have to do it louder.

'BZZZZZZ! BZZZZZZZZ! BZZZZZZZZZ!'

'Andy!' yells Dad. 'I can't concentrate with you making that stupid noise. Do you want us to have an accident? Do you want us all to be killed?'

I hate it when Dad asks dumb questions like that. What does he expect me to say? 'Yes, Dad, I want us to have an accident. I want us all to be killed.'

But I don't say that. It might cause Dad to have an accident. We might all be killed.

'All right, Dad,' I say instead. 'Don't get your knickers in a knot.'

'And stop telling me not to get my knickers in a knot!' he explodes.

'Okay,' I say. 'Don't get your trousers in a twist.'

Dad hunches over the steering wheel. His knuckles whiten. Tiny drops of perspiration appear on the back of his neck.

He knows he's been outsmarted once again. It must be frustrating for him having a son as clever as me. It must be hard knowing that he can never win.

The fly lazily cruises in front of my eyes. It's asking for trouble. Well, it's come to the right man.

I once saw a movie where the door of an aeroplane opened mid-air and everybody was sucked out by the vacuum it created. I don't need a vacuum quite that powerful, but maybe if I open and close the door I'll be able to create one strong enough to suck the fly out.

I squeeze the door handle as carefully and slowly as I can so that it doesn't make any noise. I swing it open, then shut.

Open, shut.

'What do you think you're doing?' screams Dad.

'I'm creating a vacuum,' I say.

'What?'

'A vacuum! I'm trying to get a fly out of the car.'

'Shut the door! And keep it shut!' shouts Dad. 'I'm warning you. If you don't behave yourself, I'll stop the car and you can get out and walk. Do you understand?'

'But, Dad...' I say.

'No buts! Do you understand?'

'Yes, Dad.'

Dad's knuckles are really white now. He's gripping the steering wheel so hard that his bones are practically breaking through his skin.